Hollywood Scandals and Celebrity Gossip

These are pictures of High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale spending her birthday in Hawaii. If you have no idea who she is, please, switch lives with me. In the meantime, I guess she's hot - sort of. I dunno. Hold on, my penis just wrote me a note: "I quit." Dude! What about the memories we've had together? Like all those time I'd think inanimate objects were really a woman: The coffeemaker, the book shelf, Suzanne Somers... EDIT: Moving this to the top of the page in the interest of freedom. Or science. Or something. Don't question it. Otherwise that means the terrorists have won.

Happy 4th of July, everybody! On this most patriotic of days, I encourage you all to think about the sacrifices made by our forefathers. Sacrifices that allow a guy like me to write freely about breasts without the King of England coming into my home and teabagging me, if I recall my history lessons. So, on that note, USA! Catch you guys on Monday. P.S. Bring a musket.

Paris Hilton thought up a TV show that will undoubtedly make me pay random strangers to throw an axe at my face. It's basically The View but hosted by famous celebrities who will address such topics as the paparazzi, career management and, most importantly, girl talk! At last, a show that tackles battling herpes while finding the perfect purse. Never stop dreaming, folks. The Chicago Sun Times reports:

Just imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Tori Spelling -- as well as [Denise] Richards, Hilton and her former ''The Simple Life'' co-star, Nicole Richie -- together in one big two-hour special sharing ''their side'' of what it's like to be them.
That concept alone reportedly has intrigued a couple of cable channels initially contacted about the concept: Bravo and Lifetime.

In the future, historians wearing jet packs will point to this show's inception as the apex of civilization's decline. But then they'll find themselves addicted to the catty chatter ultimately dooming their own space-age utopia. Don't believe me? Just spend a good 30 seconds imagining Britney Spears' commentary on, shit, anything. If within the first 10 you don't shove your face in the oven, congratulations, you're a robot. Now fix me a drink, tinny!

These are pics of Italian actress/model Elisabetta Canalis wearing a bikini on the set of her latest movie. You may remember her from Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, or some crazy YouTube video where her breast keeps falling out on Italian television. Somebody get this woman an Oscar. No, make that all the Oscar. NOTE: Aforementioned NSFW video after the jump. It may be in Italian, but it speaks the international language of "Holy shit, that's a boob." Mamma mia!

Britney Spears, seen here with her bodyguard, is secretly back at it with Adnan Ghalib. But this time Britney is pulling some James Bond action and using her vagina (It shoots darts.) to get back a sex tape Adnan made with her, according to the Daily Mail:

But sources claim the two haven't got back together for purely romantic reasons - Britney is apparently terrified Adnan has an explicit video of her during the couple's brief trip to Mexico in January.
'Britney's really scared that Adnan has a sex tape,' an insider tells MailOnline. 'She wants to get it out of his hands.'

I can't really envision Britney Spears as the stealth espionage type. I can just see her trying to sneak around Adnan's house, but then she knocks over the fridge and stumbles through a wall. And that's just looking for a cookie. A hidden sex tape? Jesus. Adnan might as well have banged a wrecking ball then let it loose in his living room. Not that he hasn't before, but I'm just sayin'.

I've never seen Keanu so Keanu-y. In trying to take on the role of an alien, he's somehow become an exaggerated, even more lifeless version of himself, and it's very, very strange to behold. If standard Keanu was the final boss of a video game, this trailer's Keanu is like the super powerful, insanely difficult version that emerges after you beat the normal one. Keanu but more so, and all without even uttering a "whoa." Continue Reading "'Day the Earth Stood Still' Trailer is Incredibly Keanu-y"